You Must Feel Sadness to Feel Joy - Moving Blues

You might have been like me contemplating whether to move out of state. Over the past few months, I’ve been grieving our recent move. In the early mornings, my heart longs for the Pacific Northwest morning rain. I find myself feeling both grief and guilt on some nights. The withdrawal from our Seattle house and PNW land pulls me into deep sorrow. The waves of grief strike me at strange times like when I’m exploring a new park or at night when I imagine being in our old bedroom.

After living in Seattle for five years, we knew it was time to move back, especially after my father-in-law passed away and my mom’s cancer returned. The move that I had been looking forward to in my head turned out to create heartache for me.

As an Asian daughter, the pull home was relentless and especially with my mom going through treatment. It was the right thing to do. Of course, weighing the option against parent duties kept me up at night.  I was sandwiched between two generations who both needed me. And of course, the pandemic didn't make things easier. 

Coming back home was joyful at the beginning for sure but then I found myself having moments of doubt. For the first few weeks of school, I just prayed that my kids would make new friends. After all, they had left the strong bonds they built in Seattle. My daughter is nine and my son is thirteen, so they feel things. 

On the other hand, our children now have access to their grandparents and cousins more easily which is a win. We reconnected with old friends, but why do I feel like something's missing?

So much of me wanted to be selfish and stay in Seattle but my good Asian daughter duties stirred up too much conflict. 

After reading many blogs on this topic, I learned that one must feel sadness to feel joy. It sucks to feel the sadness but I need to sit with it and learn from it. It means that what we built in Seattle was that special and letting it go is very hard. 

I’m sure that I felt this way when we first landed in Seattle, but I may have forgotten by now. Have you ever struggled with a big move? #moving #lifechanges #sandwichgeneration